Q: Though my father and siblings just about got
through high school and are in the trades (some of them doing quite
well; for example, my electrician brother), I somehow became more
of an academic type and landed at a prestigious college, where I
constantly felt like a fraud and was amazed to make it to
graduation without anyone catching on.
For lack of any other ideas, like a number of my peers, I applied
to law schools, did quite well on the LSAT, and spent the next
three years at a highly regarded institution that brought me to
pressured life at a law firm.
Even in this work life, and even though no one has complained
about my work, I still feel like I'm faking it and that at some
point will be found out. As I present my aggressive, assured
professional self to my clients and colleagues, I might as well be
on stage in a play, including the stage fright, because I'm
constantly anxious and have lately experienced what I think are
panic attacks.
Had I not been admitted to that college, I'd probably be a
carpenter now, and maybe more comfortable in my own skin, but I
can't ignore the trajectory created by the academic privileges I've
been given.
My wife, who herself has a high-powered career in a university
setting, has urged me to get on anxiety-reducing medications; it's
hard to believe that pills could solve this problem, but I'd
appreciate your input.
A: You touch on a familiar theme, that of feeling
like a fraud, of having been vaulted into an unfamiliar setting of
increased status and "great expectations" to which you feel you
don't naturally belong. It may seem as if, in boarding that career
train, you left behind your sense of making and "owning" your own
decisions. If adopting a "persona" apropos of your new role,
perhaps you left your real self "off stage," lingering behind the
curtain, out of sight and out of mind, but stirring up a sense of
uncomfortable inauthenticity.
Those who are blessed with significantly above-average talents
sometimes experience an ironic combination of grandiose mission
(e.g., "Someone with my college pedigree and exceptional LSATs has
a special destiny.") and self-doubt (e.g., "I don't belong here").
These conflicting feelings usually pertain more to one's sense of
personal identity and preferences than to one's actual talents and
abilities, and may be a significant contributing factor to your
anxiety. Once you are able to more fully know, accept and act in
accordance with your truest self, your anxiety may abate to the
point that you discover that you either really enjoy law firm life,
or that you prefer something completely different. If you were to
find, for example, that carpentry was more satisfying to you than
your current profession, you could consider making that change - if
you could tolerate the financial sacrifice.
However, even within the law there may be more desirable
matches.
Obviously, psychotherapy (aka counseling) is well suited for the
process of ongoing self discovery, since within that setting
genuineness and honesty are encouraged, and there is no need to
impress or please the therapist. As you become more self aware,
your reactions and personal aims may be easier to recognize and to
accept. Medication, as your wife has mentioned, may be effective in
reducing symptoms of anxiety; the medications that produce the
quickest and strongest effects also have the potential to create a
dependency, but can nevertheless be helpful if needed. Finally, a
career coach or counselor might provide more active assistance in
identifying/exploring/pursuing concrete career changes (and LCL can
provide such a referral, if indicated). Of course, vocational
preferences must be carefully and realistically examined in the
current economy and fluctuating job market, but it sounds as if
your wife is doing well enough in her field to give you some
financial latitude. If you decide to explore this further, LCL can
offer some initial assistance in determining where you might like
to begin.
Questions quoted are either actual letters/e-mails or
paraphrased and disguised concerns expressed by individuals seeking
assistance from Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers. Questions for LCL
may be mailed to LCL, 31 Milk St., Suite 810, Boston, MA 02109 or called in to (617) 482- 9600. LCL's
licensed clinicians will respond in confidence. Visit LCL online at
www.lclma.org.