Q: After completing law school in Oregon, I moved to a nonprofit
sector job in the Boston area, where I met my current boyfriend,
who also hopes to become an attorney. He is essentially a fine
person, but we have some differences that are complicating our
relationship.
Adam (not his real name) was formerly in the Army, including
combat, in Afghanistan, and came out of the experience with
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), diagnosed by the Department
of Veterans Affairs. He can be very kind, but seems afraid to
actually get close, and he has a lot of anger in him that sometimes
erupts in ways that scare me. At times, he yells at me and accuses
me of trying to control him. (Maybe I do, especially when he drinks
too much, which he doesn't think is a problem.) So far, he hasn't
gotten physical when angry, but I feel as if that could happen. My
friends tell me I should get him out of my life, but I really
respect his values and dedication, and I keep thinking I can help
him heal. Helping people is part of what inspired me to become a
lawyer.
A: Too many of our returning veterans from places like
Afghanistan and Iraq, where they lived in an ongoing state of
danger and saw their comrades injured and killed, have come home
with PTSD. The "luckier" among them have managed to get treatment,
at the VA or elsewhere, but it can be a long and uncertain road to
recovery (as was well depicted by Bradley Cooper in the film
American Sniper, and decades earlier by Bruce Dern in
Coming Home and by Christopher Walken in The Deer
Hunter).
Among the concerns that you describe in Adam are that he seems
potentially violent and that he has some level of drinking problem
about which he remains in denial. These features may very well
represent PTSD, as well as other kinds of psychological residue of
warfare; and it is not unusual for individuals develop addictions
in the context of trauma symptoms. (Many veterans, of course,
survive without developing PTSD, which itself is in a way amazing.)
New understandings of and treatments (both psychological and
pharmacological) for trauma are being developed all the time, some
at the VA. But improvement is generally not fast, predictable or
certain. It also helps if the individual recognizes his problems
and takes personal responsibility to address them; Adam does not
appear to be at that point.
So, although these decisions are yours to make, your friends'
concerns about you are understandable - they would rather see you
pursue your fledgling legal career without having much of your
emotional energy diverted to the demands of this difficult
relationship (which could get worse before it gets better,
especially if the heavy drinking persists). Part of this picture is
your own inclination to be a caretaker for someone who is hurting
or damaged; taking a look at that tendency with a therapist might
be a useful undertaking for you, as you attempt to balance your
feelings and respect for Adam with your own needs. If desired, we
at LCL can help line up an appropriately skilled professional. If
Adam actually crosses the threshold of becoming physically
aggressive toward you, then there is no question that it is time to
reach out for help.
Dr. Jeff Fortgang is a licensed psychologist and
licensed alcohol and drug counselor on staff at Lawyers Concerned
for Lawyers of Massachusetts, where he and his colleagues provide
confidential consultation to lawyers and law students, and offer
presentations on subjects related to the lives of lawyers. Q&A
questions are either actual letters/emails or paraphrased and
disguised concerns expressed by individuals seeking LCL's
assistance.