Q. On the other hand, there is
Fletcher, who quickly rose to partner in his firm and whose name or
photo keeps popping up in various prominent positions, but whose
real specialty is delegating his work to others. Or George, who is
full of himself, wears expensive suits, shows no real interest in
people, but attracts a slew of very wealthy clients to his pricey
practice. Do other people notice this?
A. But the world is full of people who are, perhaps, overly
impressed with themselves and whose concerns focus almost
exclusively on themselves (or on others as a reflection of
themselves). Such individuals have little empathy and little guilt
about exploiting others; they are interested largely in being
admired and feel a high degree of generalized entitlement. We are
reminded of the old joke about the narcissistic man on a first
date: "… but enough about me, what about you? What do you think of
me?"
One of life's frustrating
ironies is that such individuals, while often unable to succeed in
mutual relationships (as opposed to, for example, "trophy wives"),
are often very successful in their careers. They seem to broadcast
the message: "I'm a winner! You're lucky to have me around!" And
people (e.g., clients) tend to "buy" that message. The man you call
George, exuding such messages, may elicit thoughts like, "This man
is obviously very successful and very skilled at what he does,"
even though someone like Bill, who does not radiate that kind of
self-admiration, actually cares much more about his clients and
works harder for them.
But, even if you can't afford
George's clothes, car, etc., the quality of your appreciation for
Denise and Bill, in itself, shows that in some important
interpersonal respects you may well be a more psychologically
developed human being. George's version of narcissism is unhealthy,
even though he seems so pleased with himself, just as unhealthy as
someone who is chronically self-deprecating and self-doubting.
(Deep down, many self-centered people who fervently seek admiration
actually lack basic self-esteem.)
Nevertheless, we can learn
something from those who make their narcissism work for them in the
professional sphere, namely, to look at what messages we may be
sending to clients. Are we appropriately valuing what we have to
offer (even when imperfect) and behaving accordingly? Are we
teaching our clients to respect our skills and our time? There is a
good chance that they will believe the message they receive. If we
can absorb that much from the Fletchers and Georges of the world,
then they are giving us something, even if
unintentionally.
Yes. Essentially, you are talking about narcissism, in some
of its many forms. There is a level of "healthy narcissism" - it is
good for us to be able to appreciate our own admirable qualities
and to carry positive expectations about our potential impact on
work and relationships - which is ideally balanced by qualities
such as humility and empathy. Those who achieve such a balance are
better able to manage relationships and do reasonably well in their
work lives.
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I'd just like to get this off my chest and get your comments on it.
A number of us who were in law school at the same time have
remained in touch or kept up with one another's careers. I have
great respect for people like Denise, who devotes herself to CPCS
family cases, puts in more hours than she can bill for even at
those paltry rates, and cares more deeply about some of the kids
involved than their own parents seem to. Or Bill, who always goes
the extra mile for the clients of his small practice, and for his
two young associates, but struggles to pay his bills. These are
very decent, caring, humble people.